new year...new life

Hiya...lack of blogging recently - my apologies, and also my thanks for all your kind words....the past few weeks have been non other than sheer hell, i don't know how else to describe it.....it was 4 weeks yesterday and nope its not getting any better, I still keep expecting jon to come home - demanding for him to come home actually...the kids - well I am in awe of them, they are so brave, and the way the community is pulling together to help us is utterly amazing, i have so many people i can turn to, but you know sometimes i just don't have it in me to pick up the phone...i am just breathing in and out, going hour by hour...its all i can manage...long term future wise i just dont know what to do, people keep telling me not to make big decisions right now, but i feel i need to do something, this house..these four walls may be the breaking of me, so many rumours are going around, and i have tried to find the courage to tell people the truth but i have no desire to imprint the image what i have in my head into anyone elses....one thing that hurts like hell is folk saying it was suicide - that could not be further from the truth, and that in itself could be so damaging if it got back to my babies, jon was happier than he had ever been up here, he found his heaven which i guess is ironic seen as this is where he will stay forever, i tried so hard to save him, i have never tried so hard for anything in my life with every ounce of my being i just wanted to breathe the life back into my soulmate...i cant put into words how hard things are at the minute...trying to hide my tears so the kids dont see...i am only 29 and in these 29 years my heart has had so much pain..i just keep telling myself it cannot get worse..it just cant, i'm just trapped in hell on earth, please,please stop rumours...think of my babies xxxxxxxxx